Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Dear god my vagina.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
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