I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Randomize
