I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
