I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Those nachos came to me in a dream
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
