Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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