Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
