somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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