I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
