I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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