Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
