just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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