I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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