I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Randomize
