Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
