he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I'm passing your future prison.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
