Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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