Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Hippo gnu deer
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
