I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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