My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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