i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
