he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
