Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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