We won't sleep together?
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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