maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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