I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
