don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
