When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
