either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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