i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
