The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
His hands were made for my vagina.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
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