I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
