his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
All I want is dick and wine.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
