Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
