That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
