so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
