so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
