ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Why is there bacon in the couch?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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