She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
