He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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