you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
