he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
