a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
