I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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