He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
