I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
