oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
