He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
