So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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