Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
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