I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
