Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Never let your siblings swipe right.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
