She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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