my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Randomize
